From Exes To Friends…Can It Be Done? /
Trying to salvage a friendship from a relationship can be very tricky. Many ex couples find it is better simply not to try and to maintain a healthy distance from each other and move on with their lives separately. But is there another way?
Speaking from personal experience I believe there is, in the right situation and if handled the right way.
The reasons for breaking up are likely to be the deciding factors of how/if the relationship can be maintained in any form. There are many types of break up where any form of relationship is unsalvageable. It goes without saying that relationships involving physical or emotional abuse continued in any guise would be extremely unhealthy for the injured party and should be avoided. Break ups involving adultery or an abuse of trust will most likely result in a complete cessation of contact. But if a relationship breaks down with no fault or blame being laid at the door of either party, and the pain of the break up can be healed with time, it seems a shame to waste the friendship of that person that meant so much .
It is usually a good idea to have a large amount of breathing space initially after a break up involving minimal to zero contact. This not only allows each party to clear their heads and get used to their new situation, but also helps avoid the unhealthy on/off relations many couples find they fall into after a break up. We all need comfort and reassurance after a split and it is all too easy to find solace in the arms of the very person you just broke up with. This is not a good idea. Eventually one of the pair will move on and the party left behind may feel like they’re going through the whole experience of breaking up all over again causing far more pain and grief than is necessary. There are of course circumstances where finding breathing space is problematic, such as when the situation dictates the couple have to continue living together for a time. This will require a great deal of decorum but the benefits of holding it together for the time they are held in this difficult position far out way the a miserable living arrangement caused by repeated arguments. If at all possible it may help for each party to have their own private area of the house to live in, sharing the facilities but with their own area to relax and sleep so there is a feeling of separation.
Once a degree of comprehension has been reached and the initial grief has subsided, it can be possible for a friendship to materialise from the remains of a relationship that ended mutually. The simple fact that two people became a couple shows they thought very highly of each other, and in instances of a mutually agreed split this may still be the case to a lesser degree. Just because they do not see a future together does not mean they dislike each other or no longer care for one another. Friends and partners make us who we are and shape our lives on a day to day basis. If a couple who have parted company still see each other as a positive influence on their lives there is no reason they should not be friends and still enjoy each other’s company. It is said that individuals who were friends before they became a couple are more likely to stay friends after a break up, having had a relationship in that form prior to developing it further. It is also said to be helpful to have a mutual interest, such as a sport or pastime that they both enjoy, giving them both a reason to talk and spend time together as friends with no strings.
The acid test comes when one of the ex couple finds a new partner. It has been suggested that this is the time when an individual realises just how much they have moved on or not, dependent on their response to this information. If this news does not phase them, and they are genuinely pleased for the other party it could be fair to say a friendship has been recovered from the relationship. Wikipedia describes Friendship as “…the cooperative and supportive relationship between two or more people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. In a comparison of personal relationships, friendship is considered to be closer than association, although there is a range of degrees of intimacy in both friendships and associations. Friendship and association can be thought of as spanning across the same continuum.” In some instances I believe exes can be friends, and can be better off for it.